I couldn't resist

We have a new driver Daniel a lovely man from Hungary, today he was given a meet and greet job from Heathrow he is picking up a Mr Marks, I might of told him just before he left that Mr Marks likes his first name written on the board and his name is Skid, luckily Mr Marks is a regular customer and will see the funny side, Mrs H recons I'm a wicked man

 

He could do a stretch fa that Shirley

 

Na I've seen worse

 

And most of the drivers call him Skid

 

You’re a bad man, Baz...

 

Didn’t you here about pound stretcher n marks and spencer joining up for cheaper quality stuff . It gona be called stretch marks

 

I like a good work based joke.
The other day I was in need of a giggle so I unscrewed the hinges off the toilet door then placed it back in the frame.
I waited patiently until someone needed the toilet as they pulled the handle the entire door fell on them.
Made me laugh

 

You’ve got a screw loose mate

 

Work based jokes.
As a gardener, this time of year, I’m cutting back hedges and shaping large, spherical shaped shrubs.
I tell customers, that people come from miles, just to stand in my garden and admire my balls...

 

Reminds me of the airport tannoy jokers:

"Joanna Shagmiassov, please come to reception"

and many others!

 

An American comedy films had a Mike Hunt tannoy announcement in it

 

Or phoning the hospital morgue and asking to speak to a Kay Daver.
Childish medic humour.
Phone the zoo and ask to speak to Mr Lyon

 

Bloke used to ring the butcher shop where I was apprenticed in Melbourne back in the very early 70`s, he`d ring on a Saturday morning and always when it was busy and we was running around like blueass flies. The one he used to get me on mostly was "Have you got pigs trotters" and I`d say yes we have plain and pickled ones sir, then he`d say "So that`s why you walk funny" and hang up. Don`t know to this day who the hell it was, but it used to get me livid, I hope he had some fun with it

Ozziedog,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Maybeees started my warped sense of humour

 

Those were the days...
Have you got a pigs head...

 

No but I think he’s got an ox’s tongue

 

Or your well trimmed bush!

 

Backstage newbies would always get sent to ask for a long stand, tartan paint or to order skyhooks (which didn’t exist then).

Flints, the theatrical chandlers, answered the call

 

As a apprentice I was sent to get a long weight.
So I played them at their own game and went and sat in the van reading the paper for a hour while they worked.

They got their own back by nailing me in my overalls to the floor and painting my in white paint.

 

Did you remember to get those sparks for the grinder?

 

A favourite in electronics is...when it all goes pear shaped.....

"Go on, who let out the magic smoke?"

Then send the younger generation to go fetch some more....