James Bond walks into a bar. He looks around and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks "is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties. " Bond raises an eyebrow, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"
If there are any guitar players out there who want to know the secret to making their instrument sound better, stay tuned.
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's ruined, you might as well gan fishing."
A six year old boy was at the NYC courtroom yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded the custody to his aunt in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beats him just like his parents and he refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he lived with the grand parents, the boy cried that they also beat him Now learning that violence was apparently a way of life for the family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After conferring with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to MANCHESTER UNITED whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
""Honest"" It is Campervan related. A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in the campervan. She puts on her robe and goes outside to look for him. She finds him sitting at the campfire with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the flames. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps out of the campervan, 'Why are you out here at this time of night The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'. She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car' 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years' 'I remember that, too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today." Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
It was back in October....but I bet he can remember what he did as a kid .... it comes to us all eventually.
Maybe because I’ve not been following this forum as much as one would expect or perhaps I like being a Numpty Thanks anyway Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Oh I think most of us can take a seat on the numpty bus, I'm generally at the front claiming my frequent flyer miles.
