A friend of mine is addicted to drinking brake fluid. I'm worried about him, but he says he can stop any time he likes.
A bra, a battery and a set of jump leads walk into a bar. The battery and the jump leads take a seat whilst the bra goes up to the bar. The bra says to the barman "Afternoon pal, three pints of Stella please" "Sorry mate" says the barman "I can't serve you". "Why not" the bra says. "Coz you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something".
Read today that the new archbishop is the primate of all England. Funny that, an orangutan is the primate of Borneo.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!". Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main dealer?
