FAO Of all you old farts, first appearances do count.

So I jumped on the tube at Victoria in London town today just as the doors were closing and came to rest leaning on the opposite doors. There was a pretty young Asian* girl sitting in the seat reserved for old and infirm people. She immediately gave me a lovely smile and offered me the seat, then realising I wasnt quite as old or infirm as she first thought she remained standing and grinning for the rest of the journey.
This led me to thinking maybe I should dye my grey cropped hair , shave off the handlebar moustache and goatee beard, lose the donkey jacket and get myself off to a boutique for some more up to date garb.Then I thought no, if I want to look like Sir Walter Raleigh going on shift at the pit face I shall.
My initial shock turned in to bemusement then amusement as I jumped off the tube in a faux sprightly fashion and weaved my way up the road, as weave is all you can do up here as nobody seems capable off walking in a straight line.
* I mention the fact that the young girl was Asian purely because of the good manners no doubt taught to her by her folks. I cant imagine many Brits doing this .
Now wheres my Werthers, oh there in my cardigan pocket.

 

Asian lady...train...you should've all danced on the platform, Bollywood style ...

 

Reminds me of the time Mrs TW and I visited that Edinburgh, while waiting on the platform too get back to camp we were offered a hostel for the night. One can only assume we looked like down and outs.

 

cough, cough

 

jivedubbin are you unwell sir.

 

You were lucky. I went down to that there London on Saturday, and the rude oiks on the tube wouldn't let an old fart with a walking stick off the train before they all came charging on like a herd of wildebeast.

 

In Japan an establishment called Train Café has a mock up of a train carriage where chaps can grope lasses.

 

Could be a trip out for the MOTTLBOFC....

 

"Glope", surely?

 

ooh er

 

Welcome to London mate

 

Makes me glad I live in "the Provinces"

 

We've got no time for old codgers down in The Smoke...

 

Ask yorkshirecampers about her Tube experiences

 

Is this really the right forum for her to talk of her tubes and problems?

 

Dodgy pipework?

 

London Transport rules..."No Talking No Eye Contact"

 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh it's a very, very, very good story

 

Ahhhh, go on then, tell us.........

 

Are you all sitting comfortably boys and girls? Then I shall begin

*please note you should not continue reading if you are eating your tea.


Many moons ago I got on the central line (it's the long red one, innit) when I was living in That There London and was travelling from Stratford in the East allllllllllllllllllllllll the way to Shepherd's Bush in the West (I was going to see Space at the Empire, that's how long ago we're talking here). It's a very, very long journey so I looked for a seat and lo! even though the carriage was packed, there was one single, solitary empty seat. Now having lived in That There London for some time, and not being an idiot, I did *the* tube check. Looked at the seating, not smeared in unidentifable substances or obviously soggy; checked the people either side - appeared relatively sane, clean, not covered in blood; so thus proceeded to do the sensible thing and park my bum down for the journey and get stuck into my book.

Some time later, deep in book, it occured to me that I could smell a slightly familiar, kind of salty, tangy smell in the air. Puzzled as to what this could be, one put one's book down and was thus confronted by the chap next to me who was (well, more than half) way through....erm....pleasuring himself. All. Over. My. Leg.

I was very terribly middle class and shrieked "oooooh you dirty oik" at him and promptly flounced off the train with as much dignity as I could muster.
Took quite a while to get the stain out of my jeans ;-)