THE ITALIAN FIDELITY TEST I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else. One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them any more. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said, "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me". I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Low and behold, my fiancé's entire family was standing outside, all clapping and cheering! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Frankie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
It's juvenile, but my favourite joke ever; What do you call a three legged donkey? A Wonkey What do you call a three legged donkey with one eye? A Winky Wonkey What do you call a three legged donkey with one eye and bad B.O? A Winky Wonkey Stinky Donkey What do you call a three legged donkey with one eye and bad B.O who plays old-time rock 'n' roll piano? A Winky Wonkey, Honky Tonky, Plinky Plonky Stinky Donkey.
And the Lord said, "COME FORTH, AND YE SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE". Unfortunately, Robert came fifth and only won a toaster.
I got abducted by aliens last night . I was beamed up to their craft and all I could hear was "tidy your room", "you're not going out dressed like that" and "you treat this place like a hotel". It was the Mother ship.
"I'm sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been run over by a lorry". "I know officer, but she has a good personality"
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raised their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Hamad replied, "Sh#t, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Paddy applied for a job at a well known Dublin based brewing house as a forklift driver. The only other applicant was an Englishman with identical qualifications and experience. Because of this, the two applicants were put into a room together and tasked with completing a 20 question quiz to determine who should get the role Once they'd both finished, the scores were totted up and both applicants scored 19. After a few days of thought, the company decided to employ the Englishman and called Paddy to let him know. "Any why would ye be wantin to take on d'Englishman? We both scored 19 an dat derr test you gave us!", said Paddy "That's right Paddy, you did. But we made the choice because of the answer you both failed on. In answer to question 9, the Englishman put 'I don't know', you put 'neither do I'." (I've never been very good at accents...)
I was stood behind an old lady at the cash point the other day, she turned round and asked if I could help her check her balance, so I pushed her and she fell over!
I'll never forget my best mates last words - "stop shaking the f***ing ladder, you little p***k". I'll also never forget the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket - "how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket then?"
My mate just phoned me to tell me he had changed his name by deed poll to spinal column. "Can I call you back?" I asked.
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mum, as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to £121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much? I only bought 5 items!" The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
