Well it's the new year, so I thought about how to make some money.. I approached the bank manager for a business loan.. he asked me what was my plans.. I told him I was going to invent an invisible aeroplane to which he replied.... I can't give you a loan as I can't see it taking off !!!
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do". "Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it". "Well, then" the doctor continued "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant". The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course" the doctor replied "Where do you think politicians come from?"
Today I asked my son what he thought of the Tory party. His response was "I've no idea, I wasn't at any of them."
Dont you just hate it when your finger goes through the toilet paper, Other than that i love my new job at the care home.
“Doctor, I think I’ve got a problem with my hearing.” “Can you describe the symptoms?” “Sure. Marge has blue hair, Homer is fat & bald”.
Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds. “The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Singh, “and I have all the necessary papers.” The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Singh leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan. One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Singh returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?" The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?" Lol
Dad joke Why do divers fall out of boats backwards? - If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat!
Stallone: I’m making a documentary about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi. Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart. Schwarzenegger : *takes deep breath*…..