I’ve bought my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, it’s just a stocking filler.
Went on a Christmas Santa grotto train yesterday, with the kids. Walked through one carriage and the passengers were all sat there happy but quiet, but after seeing Santa, we walked beck and the same passengers were effing and jeffing and generally in a bad mood. Got off at the station and asked the guard what was the matter with them. He said “Oh, it’s quite normal. This is the Bi-Polar Express”…
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks… First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything, and hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says “What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish & Chimps with Mushy Bees.
Me - I bought an original Van Gogh coffee table Friend - How do you know it’s a Van Gogh? Me - It had a bit of veneer missing
Had a frost down here this morning and I couldn’t find the ice scraper for the car. I had to use my discount card in my wallet. It was terrible. I only got 10% off…
Penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Have you seen my brother?" Bartender says "Dunno, what's he look like?"
If you go swimming and enjoy an occasional pee in the pool, be careful. I’ve just been caught and the lifeguard shouted so loud I nearly fell in…
