Joke

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. Ozziedog

    Ozziedog Supporter

    Ozziedog,,,,,,,,,,how have I never heard that one before??
     
    Meltman likes this.
  2. I’ve bought my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas.
    It’s not her main present, it’s just a stocking filler.
     
  3. Why are Christmas Trees rubbish at sowing?

    They always drop their needles…
     
    Pudelwagen likes this.
  4. What did the big advent calendar say to the little advent calendar?


    “Your days are numbered…”
     
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2024
    Sydney likes this.
  5. Went on a Christmas Santa grotto train yesterday, with the kids. Walked through one carriage and the passengers were all sat there happy but quiet, but after seeing Santa, we walked beck and the same passengers were effing and jeffing and generally in a bad mood. Got off at the station and asked the guard what was the matter with them. He said “Oh, it’s quite normal. This is the Bi-Polar Express”…
     
    Sydney likes this.
  6. Got my wife a fridge for Christmas.
    Can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
     
  7. IMG_4347.jpeg Our cracker jokes for you.
     
    Marzydj, Lazy Andy and Poptop2 like this.


  8. Not a joke, but intensely funny!
     
  9. DubCat

    DubCat Smells Rats

    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…
    First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything, and hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

    He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says “What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish & Chimps with Mushy Bees.
     
    Soggz, Louey, Poptop2 and 5 others like this.
  10. Get your coat, Sir :rolleyes:
     
    Meltman and DubCat like this.
  11. Ozziedog

    Ozziedog Supporter


    I didn’t see that coming, and am still chuckling now.

    Ozziedog,,,,,,,,,,very very easily pleased me. :)
     
    DubCat likes this.
  12. Me - I bought an original Van Gogh coffee table

    Friend - How do you know it’s a Van Gogh?

    Me - It had a bit of veneer missing
     
    snotty, Soggz, Marzydj and 4 others like this.
  13. My wife's a magician, last week she turned her car into a tree.
     
    snotty, Soggz and Zed like this.
  14. Had a frost down here this morning and I couldn’t find the ice scraper for the car. I had to use my discount card in my wallet.
    It was terrible.
    I only got 10% off…
     
    Poptop2, snotty and Pudelwagen like this.
  15. Penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Have you seen my brother?"

    Bartender says "Dunno, what's he look like?"
     
  16. Gahod 61

    Gahod 61 Supporter

    I brought a mobile phone from a vicar today.


    It’s a prey as you go :p
     
    Marzydj, Pudelwagen and Soggz like this.
  17. Coat.
     
    Gahod 61 likes this.
  18. If you go swimming and enjoy an occasional pee in the pool, be careful. I’ve just been caught and the lifeguard shouted so loud I nearly fell in…
     
    Pudelwagen, Poptop2, Gahod 61 and 2 others like this.
  19.  
    Zed likes this.

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