Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.
No high vis either, what a numpty!
I helped my neighbour out this morning by moving something heavy for her .
She said "Oh thank you - I could marry you".
Can you believe it - you help someone out and they want to ruin your life forever!
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My Rolex!"
The Jewish Tie Salesman
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me,or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”
A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:
“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.
“What have you done?” asked the priest.
“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping.
“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.
“But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried.
“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.
“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.
“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest.
“So what should I do father?” the man asked.
“Well” answered the priest, “you should get the xxxx out of here before it starts raining!”.
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you use to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said :"Then you use to bite my neck"
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?"she asked.
"To get my teeth!".
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers !"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look …. and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....He looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer ....and then .... he tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him ...reaching towards him with its left paw ...and raising the right paw to strike ...
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
"Oh my God!"
Time Stopped ...
The bear froze .....
The forest was silent ...
A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky ...
"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident ...Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
"Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light ...."It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ..but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
... a pause ...
"Very well," said the voice ...
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed ...
And the bear dropped his right arm ...
brought both paws together ....
bowed his head & spoke ..
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive"
What do you call a long long line of Barbie dolls ?????
Anybody ever hear about the poor poor chap that kept his Coke in the kitchen cupboard. It came as no surprise that eventually he got it mixed up with his curry powder
Ozziedog,,,,,,,,,,He’s still in a Korma
I was abducted last night by aliens
They forced me to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship!
I told one alien that I couldn't find anymore milk!?
He said, "In space, no one can. Here, use cream.."
Took a moment that one
Groan...here all week, by any chance?
Trust me, you aren't missing anything!
PS try saying out aloud
‘Punctuation’, is the key…
Alien is the key word!
if it wasn’t, it might be now.
Ozziedog,,,,,,,,, I’ll tell you another when I’m sober
Separate names with a comma.