Joke

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. Why do Japanese kamikaze pilots wear helmets? :thinking:
     
    nicktuft, snotty, MAP79 and 4 others like this.
  2. A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
    God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

    After her last operation, she was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
    Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

    God replied:

    " I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
     
    Merlin Cat1, nicktuft, Soggz and 6 others like this.
  3. A man who took an airline to court over missing luggage, has lost his case.
     
  4. A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

    The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

    The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

    She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

    To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

    "There's no charge," he says.

    "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

    "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

    "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"
     
    Crispy, F_Pantos, Uncle Nick and 14 others like this.
  5. Initially I didn’t believe that chiropractic care was any good.


    But now I stand corrected.
     
  6. A yorkshire man takes his cat to the vets.
    "Is it a Tom?" asked the vet.
    "No, it's in box!" replied the yorkshire man.
     
    Crispy, Day, Merlin Cat and 6 others like this.
  7. I had to phone my doctor this morning. He said "what's the problem"? I said "I can hear talking in my underpants". He said, "just ignore it, they're talking plums".
     
    Merlin Cat, Jack Tatty and cunny44 like this.
  8. Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

    “No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

    So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”


    Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

    “President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.

    “Yup,” Dave say’s, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

    “The Pope,” his boss replies.

    “Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

    He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

    Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

    His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw … you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”
     
    scrooge95, cunny44, Chrisd and 8 others like this.
  9. A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
    The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
    She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

    The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
    Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

    The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
    'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

    The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
    'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
     
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  10. 3901mick likes this.
  11. A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
    The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
    She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

    The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 16 and you were only 15,' he says solemnly.
    Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

    The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in your bedroom'
    'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

    The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
    'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
     
  12. Keep up at the back :lol:
     
    jivedubbin, scrooge95, Soggz and 5 others like this.

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