At any moment, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is only ever a whim away. a whim away. a whim away....
Reports are coming in that a two seater plane has crashed into a cemetery in Dublin. Police have so far recovered 473 bodies.
It's the wife's birthday so I bought her a new bag and a belt. How was I to know it was one of those cyclone Hoover things?! Tried to make it up to her, so booked the best table I could find! Turns out she's not that into snooker either.
That's not the punch line is it, the punchline is I know officer but she give a good........ but yours is also funny
My local police station was broke into recently, the thieves stole all of the toilets ......the police say they have nothing to go on
What a nightmare morning! Was time for my morning 'movement' so did the business before I realised there was no loo roll. Had to do the trousers half up/half down waddle to go and get some more. On the plus side, nearly at Asda now.
Dear friends, I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm. If you can't come, let me know.
My mate has just told me he is having an affair with twins and neither know the other is with him. I asked how he told the the difference and he said the brother has a moustache
Not a joke but a numerous story I have just read on Facebook from a bloke who went to the new IKEA store in Sheffield. Hello IKEA, I think we need a chat about your new store in Sheffield. Firstly I'm really pleased you've finally managed to bludgeon Sheffield City Council into allowing you to build your temple to consumerism in S9, no more trips to Nottingham or Leeds for me and my family, great! Also I fully expected you to have teething problems, any enterprise of your size will have issues so this complaint isn't about your woefully signposted and manned carpark or even the shocking lack of Diam Cake in the restaurant (though this could justifiably be the subject of a future rant). No, this complaint is of more a personal matter. Having spent a great deal of time spending money in your store I retired to the rest rooms to gather my thoughts / power my nose / take a massive dump. It was during my bowl movement that this, most serious of matters, became apparent to me. I was having a relaxing poo while checking my Facebook, picking my nose and contemplating my life choices up to this point when I heard a tell-tail sound, the unmistakable sound of a toilet flushing. I was bewildered for a moment, the adjacent cubicles weren't occupied when I entered and I hasn't heard anyone enter the toilets, indeed I'd been rather vocal with my movements and my poo had of the liquid and explosive variety. Then the horrifying truth hit me. It was MY toilet that was flushing. I feel this would be a good interlude to talk about my testicles. I'm staring down the barrel of 40 years on this earth and gravity has started to take it's toll. My, once proud and upright, balls now hang like the last few apples in the tree, also they've become rather unkempt. They days of religiously trimming my undercarriage are long gone, replaced by middle aged contentment and balls that look like a pack of ginger bear cubs having a cuddle. But enough about my nether regions and back to your toilets. By this stage it was too late for me to take evasive action, I had no choice but to man it out and endure my balls having an impromptu ice bucket challenge. This ranks among the most uncomfortable experiences in my life, on a par with the time my elderly father decided to discuss his new found love of Viagra with me. Once the shock had wore off and the flood had abated I was left feeling slightly violated and rather damp. I cleaned and dried my self as best I could and resigned myself to spending the rest of my visit with my pods sticking to my legs. Please see the attached video and address your hypersensitive toilet immediately so no other middle aged bloke has to suffer like I have.
I had a dream last night that I was getting the best fruitcake Job I've ever had off the blonde one out of ABBA. The only problem with it was that his beard kept tickling my fruitcake
